Well Wishes Aplenty But Only Maldonado Offers Driving Tips

Stavelot, Belgium – After being lapped twice here at the Spa-Francorchamps race circuit over the weekend, Jenson Button became inundated with personal visits, text messages, e-mails and phone calls from fellow race drivers offering him their well wishes.

Button's display of vanity was at odds with his race result 

Race winner Lewis Hamilton was first to visit him. According to reports, the Mercedes driver arrived at Button’s hotel room three hours after the race, dressed to the nines in a tuxedo. This was another fashion faux pas to go alongside the Wimbledon mishap. 

Pastor Maldonado also visited Button, but the erratic driver wasn't allowed to enter the apartment. A witness claimed to have overheard Button telling Maldonado "I'm scared that you might crash into the expensive ornaments."


Though Button received many well wishes and visits, only Maldonado offered something extra in the form of driving advice.

VW Calls Time On Hatchback Production

Wolfsburg Germany - Fans of Volkswagen hatchback models such as the popular Golf will be shocked to hear that the production of all hatchback products within the VW Group will come to an end. This surprising announcement was made by Volkswagen AG chief, Martin Winterkorn at a press conference held at the VW assembly plant in Wolfsburg, Germany yesterday.

Predicting an unrecoverable downward spiral for hatchback sales globally, the board of directors at the German firm all agreed that its hatchback models should be rescinded.

  



Golf assembly line at the Wolfsburg plant

“The board agreed to the termination of all hatchback products. It was a unanimous decision based on global sales trends we’ve seen, which indicates that hatchbacks will no longer be viable. Globally, B and C segment sedan sales are rising at a steady rate while hatchback sales have seen a downward curve.”

 Group subsidiaries VW, Audi, Seat and Skoda all have hatchback models in their product line-up and the news may come as a bitter pill to swallow for some, especially admirers of the Golf; a car that has a well-established global following.

A noticeably proud Winterkorn went on to say: “An egg must eventually hatch. A hatched hatch should be seen for what it is; a sedan and we will now be making sedan versions of all our hatchback models."  The confusing analogy left journalists baffled.

"This means that Up! Will become Up! Sedan. Golf will become Golf Sedan and Scirocco will become Scirocco Sedan. Products such as the Polo and Audi A3, which already  have sedan models, will respectively be known as Polo Sedan Sedan and A3 Sedan Sedan.”

Winterkom nonchalantly quoted the lyrics to Maroon 5’s “Harder to Breathe" when quizzed about the emotional effect the decision would have on hatchback devotees: ""Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that it's me that has all the control?""

A VW insider who insisted on anonymity stated: “The reality is that Winterkorn and the rest of the board of directors are Illuminati killjoys who have undertaken to destroy the spirits of hatchback lovers everywhere. I am sad.”

Metro Rail Dupes Public, Changes Its Spots

Metrorail have undertaken to change the colour of its carriages to affect greater productivity amongst its workers after revelations of slow work had surfaced. 

For a long time, Metrorail’s train service has been riled by commuters for being lax. Facebook and Twitter are often abuzz with posts about train commuters venting their frustrations at being “late yet again for work”. While Metrorail cites cable theft as the main reason for delays, investigators believe this to be blatantly false.

An investigative report by a covert team, who monitored Metrorail workers, revealed that the workers had been working at a depressingly slow pace in preparing the trains for service. A psychologist, who researched the effects of colour, came to the conclusion that Metrorail’s yellow and grey colour scheme subliminally instils lax behaviour in employees.

Virtual image: Metrorail's new colour scheme

“Yellow on its own is a colour that inspires positivity.  This colour creates the social buzz; enticing workers to joviality and inspiring productivity. Grey sets a compromising tone; it’s a fence-sitter if you will, a transitionary colour which sets a drab mood.  The combination of the two colours creates a conflicting mish-mash of signals, causing confusion in the thought processes and productivity of the workers. The slow rate that they are working at can directly be attributed to the yellow and grey colours of the trains. It’s all subliminal".

The psychologist recommended to Metrorail that they use red, white and blue in combination. According to the psychologist, the red white and blue composition instils self-confidence. “It’s the reason why the United States of America and the United Kingdom are such world super powers”.

Meanwhile, Metrorail would have to account for their false claims to the Constitutional Court.

Toni Braxton Song Leads To Van Gaal Outburst

Manchester United manager, Louis van Gaal reportedly lashed out at a store manager for playing a song by Toni Braxton on a recent visit to Trafford Centre mall in Manchester, England. According to staff at men’s clothing store, Burton, the strict Dutchman launched into a tirade as soon as the chorus of Toni Braxton’s How Could an Angel Break My Heart could be heard. 







Van Gaal and Di Maria

Sales assistant, Darius Scott said: "Van Gaal had been looking at a shirt while humming along to How Could an Angel Break My Heart. He may not have realised at that moment what the words to the chorus were, but he was humming along rather passively until the chorus came.

“He then aggressively approached the store manager, who happened to be the person closest to him. After screaming at the manager he politely asked that the music be stopped. The manager did as he was asked by Van Gaal”.

Another employee at the store who witnessed the outburst confirmed the claims, stating that Van Gaal really lost it when the chorus came. "When the chorus hit his ears, he screamed “Don’t you know anything about Man United? He has signed for PSG. What can I do about it? Nothing! Nothing! Noooooothing!!!!!"

“It’s clear to me that Van Gaal hasn’t yet gotten over Angel Di Maria” said Burton store manager, Grant Jenkins.



Kim Jong-Un Pays $8 700 For Trump Toupee

A toupee previously belonging to Donald Trump had been purchased by South Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un. The toupee had blown off Trump’s head when he visited a windy Chicago in 2010 and was found by Chicago resident, Reginald Matts.  Matts initially didn’t know who the toupee belonged to, but after seeing a news report of Trump’s mishap, he decided to return the errant hairpiece. But Trump allowed him to hold onto it.  

Visitors to eBay asked themselves.... "toupee or not toupee?"

A week later Matts auctioned the famous hairpiece on eBay, selling it to an anonymous bidder for $300 (R3 848).  The anonymous bidder held onto the hairpiece for five years, anticipating a rise in value.

Factoring in Trump's news-making disposition as a presidential candidate and for his erratic statements; the bidder made a decision to auction the hairpiece.

Choosing to remain anonymous, the man who resold the hairpiece claimed: “The environment was right to sell. I expected strong bids from Republicans.” But to his astonishment, he received a bid from a man who was later found to be bidding on behalf of Kim Jong-un.

“His bid was the highest and I later found out that the bidder acted on behalf of Kim Jong-un. The toupee was sold for $8 700 (R111 577)”.

What the South Korean dictator plans to do with the hairpiece is up for debate.

Kim Jong-un

ANC Politicians Required To Join Choir

In a bid to ease the stressful demands of the job and improve productivity, South African ruling party, the ANC, have made it mandatory that all members join the newly established ANC choir. 

Scientific research proves that singing soothes the nerves, relieves anxiety and elevates spirits; the most transformative and exhilarating form of singing being group singing. 

ANC Secretary General, Gwede Mantashe reasoned: "Our party has come under much attack from the opposition and the public. This would be positive for the ANC. We want our ministers and the lower-ranking politicians to sing together so that our performance as leaders of this country can be enhanced, and also to remove some stress. 

ANC Secretary General, Gwede Mantashe

"Our politicians must sing, and they must sing together for greater unity within the party structure. It would be good for the nation if all political parties replicate this idea. A singing nation is a strong nation. The ANC will become like a church choir".

President Jacob Zuma agreed saying.." This will elevate our performance as politicians. We will also have karaoke and those who can't sing, or are shy to sing, must just sing for the benefit of  the party and the country".

Bill Gates To Bail Out Greece

Greece’s ailing economy will soon be dealt a welcome reprieve from its tumultuous disposition. Bill Gates, the world’s highest net worth individual, has come to the aid of the economically-battered country in a bid to resolve the crisis.

Greece requires a 53.5 billion euros (R742.13 billion) bailout. Gates, in a gracious gesture, will pay the required amount in two installments. Gates has a net worth of $79.3 billion (R1097.27 billion), comfortably affording him the opportunity to pay the amount.

He said that he loves the olives produced in the country. He would be extremely saddened if olives could no longer be exported from Greece to the US.

“Greek salad is a highly sought after indulgence in the Gates household. We have a preference for olives produced in Greece, and a Greek salad just won’t be a Greek salad without Greek olives. That would be tragic”.

Bad Teeth Leads Dentist To Shoot Lion

In an effort to explain why he hunted and killed famous lion, Cecil; American dentist, Walter Palmer released the following statement to the press:

"Dentistry is a tough job, especially when one has to deal with horrible teeth on a daily basis. I was driven close to insanity on a few occasions. " explained Palmer.

"Unfortunately the last appointment I had to deal with led me to kill a lion.

"I would normally just leave early, find a sunny spot in our garden and take my mind off such stressful matters by losing myself in a good crime novel. But my last appointment was so distressing that I was pushed to shoot a lion in Africa". 

Google To Take Over Honda

It's safe to say that Google is the internet. With the acquisition of more than 180 companies (up to April 16 2015), Google is a big fish gobbling up smaller fish at a rate of one per week. With a market capitilization value of $381.7 billion, Google ranks 2nd on Standard & Poor's 500 list of companies, placing them in the enviable position of being able to take over as they please without having to break the bank. 

In a candid discussion with a Google spokesperson, there was an allusion to the rapid progress of the 'connected car' as a reason why Google chose to put in a bid to add auto manufacturer, Honda Motor Company, to their ever-increasing list of acquisitions. 

"We have been discussing a merger with Honda for a long time. And should Honda accept our offer, we would focus our efforts on creating cars equipped with internet technology. 

"There's the idea of making vehicles an 'office away from the office' where it would be possible to wirelessly connect laptops and mobile devices to the in-car wifi in order to check emails, connect to the various social media sites and basically do whatever it is that can be done on a computer".

Google is well on their way to world domination and the imminent take over of Honda lends credence to the popular view that Pinky and the Brain are running the company.

Mourinho Snub: Wenger Blames Sudden Vertigo

Following the media hype surrounding Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger’s apparent snubbing of bitter rival and Chelsea manager, Jose Mourinho; the Frenchman sited a rare case of vertigo as the real reason for the misconception.

“People are of the impression that I refused to shake Jose’s hand, but when you look at the video, as I walk by Jose, I am a bit drowsy. That was vertigo. It happened suddenly, and in that moment I don’t recall seeing Jose. I searched all over for him, but I couldn’t find him in my state of vertigo. Everything around me was spinning; Jose too I suppose. It was like a whirlwind.”

Jose Mourinho (left) and Arsene Wenger (right)



Automatic Transmission And A Girlfriend

As a petrolhead I find myself in a difficult situation…. I’m in love. Why is that difficult? Well you see, in the various car pages that I am subscribed to on Facebook, the impression is given that true petrolheads are only allowed to fall in love with cars. You do not simply declare that you are in love with a woman, and you do not simply declare your support for a vehicle with an automatic transmission. You can’t fall in love with a woman because you can’t hold hands while operating a manual transmission.

Cars with manual transmissions (or stick shift in the USA), are cars that demand proper driver involvement as opposed to the lazy, less involved action that automatic transmissions requires of the driver. You are generally considered less of a petrolhead -or not a petrolhead at all- when you vouch for automatic cars. Even if today’s automatic double clutch transmissions are programmed to shift quicker than manually-operated transmissions. 

manual transmission

Now I’m pro-manual transmission due to my love for proper driver-involved vehicles. But at the risk of upsetting the petrolhead kingdom and king Monkey Wrench and being banished to the outskirts of town where ravenous dogs roam, I declare my newfound support for automatic transmissions. Why? Because girlfriend. I am in love, and this time not with a classic Alfa Romeo, but with a woman and I want to hold her hand while driving.

Being in love can alter you. I’ve become softer. Although I still appreciate the joys that a manually-operated vehicle can bring, there have been occasions while driving when I wished that I could hold her hand while the transmission changes cogs by itself. In fact I would be content driving an “old man's car”.

But before you decide to run me over with a manual transmission 2 tonne Ford Galaxie, know that I haven’t shunned the manual transmission from my life. I just have different priorities, and the desire to hold her hand is greater than the need to hold a gear knob. I’m not any less of a petrolhead than I was before; it’s just that I’m in a different space and all I want to do is hold her hand.

Interview: Baltimore Mom

     

You may know her as the “Baltimore Mom”; the woman captured on camera smacking her misbehaving son who had been party to the Freddie Gray riots. She became an instant hero for taking disciplinary action while her son became an instant ego-crippled boy.

We managed to fly over to Baltimore to interview Toya Graham to find out how her life has progressed post protest.

Roobish: Toya, that’s a lovely name. Add an O and a T after the Y in your name then you'd be ‘Toyota’. Did you realise that?

Toya: Thank you. I realised that when I had to fill in the details of my vehicle on the insurance forms. I accidently jotted down my name instead of  “Toyota”.

Roobish: Hahahahahaha!

Toya: Don’t laugh or I’ll wring your ears, young man.

R: Sorry.

R: You have been labelled “Baltimore Mom”. Is Baltimore one of your kids?

T: You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

R: That’s deep.

T: No.

R: Okay, it’s not.

R: You have been recruited by Barney Ross to be a member of The Expendables. How did this come about?

T: It happened two days after the riot. Barney told me that my slap technique was incredible and that he could make use of my skills in combat. I’m only joining for the pleasure of disciplining the ill-disciplined fools you see fighting in the movies. Some of them don’t even own t-shirts and they walk around bare-chested with tattoos showing. Where are their moms???

R: Have you been approached by anyone else?

T: The CIA has recruited me as a field agent. This is due to me being able to recognise my son despite the fact that only his eyes were showing.

R: I assume that you need special training.

T: No. They say that a mother knows.

R: That’s incredible.

T: No.

R: Okay, it’s not.

T: Stop staring.

R: Sorry, I won’t. I’ll just turn my head and not make eye contact while I resume the interview.

T: Thanks. Give me your mom’s number.

R: Ummmmm.. okay.

T:  You need more discipline. I’ll call her when we’re done. Make it snappy.

R: Sure