VW Calls Time On Hatchback Production

Wolfsburg Germany - Fans of Volkswagen hatchback models such as the popular Golf will be shocked to hear that the production of all hatchback products within the VW Group will come to an end. This surprising announcement was made by Volkswagen AG chief, Martin Winterkorn at a press conference held at the VW assembly plant in Wolfsburg, Germany yesterday.

Predicting an unrecoverable downward spiral for hatchback sales globally, the board of directors at the German firm all agreed that its hatchback models should be rescinded.

  



Golf assembly line at the Wolfsburg plant

“The board agreed to the termination of all hatchback products. It was a unanimous decision based on global sales trends we’ve seen, which indicates that hatchbacks will no longer be viable. Globally, B and C segment sedan sales are rising at a steady rate while hatchback sales have seen a downward curve.”

 Group subsidiaries VW, Audi, Seat and Skoda all have hatchback models in their product line-up and the news may come as a bitter pill to swallow for some, especially admirers of the Golf; a car that has a well-established global following.

A noticeably proud Winterkorn went on to say: “An egg must eventually hatch. A hatched hatch should be seen for what it is; a sedan and we will now be making sedan versions of all our hatchback models."  The confusing analogy left journalists baffled.

"This means that Up! Will become Up! Sedan. Golf will become Golf Sedan and Scirocco will become Scirocco Sedan. Products such as the Polo and Audi A3, which already  have sedan models, will respectively be known as Polo Sedan Sedan and A3 Sedan Sedan.”

Winterkom nonchalantly quoted the lyrics to Maroon 5’s “Harder to Breathe" when quizzed about the emotional effect the decision would have on hatchback devotees: ""Does it kill? Does it burn? Is it painful to learn that it's me that has all the control?""

A VW insider who insisted on anonymity stated: “The reality is that Winterkorn and the rest of the board of directors are Illuminati killjoys who have undertaken to destroy the spirits of hatchback lovers everywhere. I am sad.”