Man Ridiculed By Family For Pretending to Have A Vague Interest In Boney M's Music

A man who pretended to have a vague interest in Boney M's music to please his family, yesterday admitted to his dad that he had been lying all along.

Devon Adams from Kenilworth in Cape Town had been fed Boney M tunes since childhood. His parents would play the music occasionally. But it's around the festive season, when Boney M's legendary Christmas hits are belted out, that things became a bit unbearable for Devon. 

"The only thing that kept me from totally losing it was when I pictured the way they look in the music videos.... That man with the spindly legs and afro... I laughed in my head. That would ease the tension somewhat.

Devon Adams can't stand Boney M's music

"My dad loved  the band so much. He even dubbed himself 'Daddy Cool'. I pretended to laugh when he called himself that because I knew that he was anything but. 

"My interest in the band is non existent, and I pretended to have a vague interest in the music by nodding my head to the beat and smiling. This went on for 18 years since the age of 6. Who would enjoy listening to a band with a name that sounds like a font type anyway?

"When moving out of my folks' home last week, I made the mistake of insisting that they keep all the Bone M albums. My dad knew at that point that I didn't really like the band. 

"I should've just taken it and hidden it in a place where they would find it after I've moved to the UK. I've been ridiculed now by both of my siblings, my parents and most of the extended family from both sides."

NATHI MTHETHWA ENCOURAGES SOUTH AFRICANS TO "KUIER" AGAIN

Minister of Arts & Culture, Nathi Mthethwa, yesterday made an impassioned plea for South Africans to get back to visiting; even if people have nothing to speak about.

"Facebook has become the new 'kuier'. But we should get back to visiting people at their homes instead of just asking 'howzit' in a Facebook message.", said Mthethwa. 

 

Nathi Mthethwa looks tired after visiting 300 people

"Conversations could become awkward as people have little else to speak about besides bad politics, sports and internet these days. But even if you take your family to visit another family for two minutes, you would have had a lekker kuier.

"Don't even tell your guests that you'll be visiting. Just rock up when they are having dinner and surprise them. When you give them a heads-up, people will make up all sorts of excuses for you not to visit. They'll be upset about you disturbing their dinner, but for the sake of diplomacy, they wouldn't let you know it."

Joseph Radebe, a man who doesn't enjoy company, told reporters.. "I'll just take out my phone and be on Facebook all the time. I'll occasionally look up and ask my guests 'howzit', expecting a shallow response. Such a response would be good because then I can get back to facebooking again."

Local economists are expecting a huge upturn in biscuit and coffee sales if South Africans heed to Mthethwa's plea.

Misplaced Nail Clippers Steals A Chunk Of Our Time

The Research Institute for Random Things (RIRT) revealed today that, on average, people spend 6.4 weeks’ worth of hours searching for misplaced nail clippers.

Researcher, Matthew Vickers, said that when the time came for people to cut their nails, few would accurately recall where they had last seen or used the nail clipper. This means that many will spend some time searching for the clippers.

Nail clippers are a bugger to find when needed

“The average accumulated time spent in search of clippers is 6 weeks and 4 days. The ratio is 8:2 in favour of those who don’t have a clue as to where the clippers are”, said Vickers.

Vickers went on to say: "It's a rather strange phenomenon. Many of those involved in the research have stated that when it's not needed, the clippers will be seen. But for some unexplained reason, they seem to vanish when needed".

Study: WhatsApp Check Marks Frustrates Selfish People

The Research Institute for Random Things (RIRT) has revealed that people are increasingly becoming frustrated with WhatsApp message check marks. A single grey check mark indicates to the sender that the message had been sent but not delivered. Double grey check marks indicates that the message had been sent and delivered but not read. Double blue check marks indicates that the message had been sent, delivered and read. Frustrations arise from recipients who have no wish whatsoever for responding to a message, but would like to read the message.

WhatsApp check marks are a bugger to a large portion of the world's
population

Jonathan Wells, who took part in the study said: “It’s frustrating. I often receive messages when I’m doing nothing. I don’t feel like responding to any messages, but I’d like to read them. But when I read them, it would indicate to the sender that I had read the message and that would put pressure on me to respond immediately. I don’t want to do that. I’d rather reply when I want to, which is usually the next day, or not at all. I just want to sit and do nothing. It spoils my entire day”.

The study revealed that the average amount of time it takes for a delivered message to receive a reply is 19 hours, which is 7 hours up over last year’s results.

“People don’t want to respond immediately” said RIRT’s head of research, Theo Vermeulen. “These frustrations stem from self-centered people who have a preference for responding whenever they want to. We have tabled a proposal to have the check mark rescinded. If WhatsApp agrees to the proposal, a large portion of the world's population would live happier lives”.

Ungrateful Competition Winner Slams Holiday Prize, Demands Refund

A competition winner who won a trip for two to London last month, slammed the prize and claimed that it was irrelevant to his needs. 

Prize winner displays low level of selfie skills 

In an email to Roobish, the prize winner brazenly demanded a refund, stating that he was looking forward to a lovely beach holiday. But he was disappointed to discover that London was a city far removed from any beach and the holiday was a "miserably cold and rainy affair".  

When questioned about why he wanted a refund for something that was gifted to him, he simply stated that his time is his money and that he wanted a refund of the time he spent in a place that he despised. The ungrateful man then said that the holiday was irrelevant to his desire for beach and sunshine because South Africa had just experienced its winter season. 

The man's Twitter account displays a series of photo tweets of him and his fiance enjoying London's tourism hot spots.  

Interview: Joel Vice

In an interview with British celebrity gossip magazine OK! in 2007, Phillip Vice claimed that, from the age of 8, his son Joel would never go through a conversation without quoting lines from popular songs. Joel eventually fulfilled his vocational ambition by joining British band Linen as their lead singer. 

True to the Linen tagline "we do covers", the band only performs cover versions of existing songs. This presents Joel a platform to do what he does best, which is quote. Roobish arranged a brief chat with the serial quotesman ahead of their concert this Friday evening at the Bellville Velodrome in Cape Town...

 




Linen lead singer, Joel Vice



Roobish: Hi. How are you doing?
Joel Vice: I'm doing just fine, getting along very well without you in my life. I don't need you in my life. I'm doing just fine. Time made me stronger; you're no longer on my mind.

R: Ummm.. Okay. By the way, I'm a fan of Linen
JV: I say a little prayer for you.

R: The band recently  released an album that's been getting rave reviews internationally. Linen is evidently doing quite well. What can the success be attributed to?
JV: It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

R: So you say it's all about the money?
JV: It’s all about the money. It’s all about the dum dum duh de dum dum. I don’t think it’s funny.

R: Apologies for laughing. Let us in on the band’s schedule... Are there any international tours lined up for the rest of the year?
JV: Around the world around the world around the world around the world around the world around the world…. (goes on for 7 minutes)

R: It's been said that you are the best dancer in the band and you're known for heating up the dance floor. Is this true?
JV: They call me hotstepper.

R: The band is tasting succes. Though, as with every solo artist, group and band, I believe there might have been some sort of failure along the way. Has Linen experienced any failure?
JV: Ba de ya, never was a cloudy day.

R: Wow. That’s superhuman.
JV: I’ve got my pride, I will not cry. But it’s making me weak. I’m not your superwoman.

R: No; I said “superhuman”, not “superwoman”.
JV: Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

R: When the band started out in 2004, you were quoted saying that you prefer organic recording methods as opposed to the use of Auto-Tune. What has changed since then, and why do you choose to use Auto-Tune now?
JV: That's just the way it is, things'll never be the same. That's just the way it is.

R: Any advice you'd like to give aspiring artists?
JV: Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight. Don't blame it on the good times. Blame it on the boogie.

R: Anything else?
JV: Don't go chasing waterfalls.

R: How do you deal with the usual stress that comes with the job; things such as long hours of recording, touring, etc?
JV:  Day by day, let's take it all a little at a time.

R: Your wife recently gave birth to a boy. What sort of future do you and your wife have envisioned for him?
JV: I believe the children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way.

R: You met your wife at a coffee shop in London. What were your first words to her?
JV: If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta get with my friends.

R: You're away from home. Do you miss her?
JV: Like the deserts miss the rain.

R: Chicken or beef?
JV: If you don't know me by now, you will never ever know me oooooooooooooo.

R: You're a busy man, so I'll end the interview here.
JV: We've only just begun

R: I have to respect your time. I promised to make the interview quick.
JV:  I see the clock up on the wall but it don't bother me at all. These are ever-changing times.

R: It’s okay. Thanks for your time, Joel. I wish you and the band all the best for the future. It’s been great chatting. Cheers.
JV: Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still I can’t let go.

R: I said goodbye.
JV: Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate; baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off, I shake it off.